Taming a Tantrum: 5 Practical Steps From a Parenting Specialist
If you’re a parent, you’ve likely experienced the intense storm of a child’s tantrum. Whether it happens in the middle of the grocery store aisle, at bedtime, or right before leaving for school, tantrums can leave parents feeling frustrated, helpless, or even embarrassed. While it’s easy to blame ourselves or our children in those moments, tantrums are actually a normal part of child development. They’re not evidence of bad parenting or a “bad kid.”
What tantrums really show us is that a child’s brain and body are overwhelmed. Young children don’t yet have the language, impulse control, or emotional regulation skills to express themselves calmly. Instead, those big feelings—anger, frustration, sadness, or disappointment—burst out in loud, physical ways.
And if you’ve ever walked away from a tantrum feeling drained or second-guessing yourself, you’re not alone. Many parents tell me they feel judged when tantrums happen in public or guilty for not “handling it better.” I remember that feeling myself. The sweat, heart pounding and sheer panic. In these moments, parents often react in a way that they ultimately don’t feel good about. They react out of desperation to get the tantrum to stop. But the truth is, tantrums are learning opportunities. With the right tools, tantrums can become moments of teaching, connection, and growth for both you and your child.
Below are five practical steps from a parenting specialist that will help you navigate tantrums with more confidence and compassion.
Step 1: Stay Calm
When your child begins melting down, the very first thing to do is check in with yourself. Tantrums often trigger our own nervous systems (cue the sweat)—we tense up, our voices rise, and we may feel the urge to control the situation quickly. But children mirror our emotional states. If we escalate, they escalate.
Take a slow, steady breath. Remind yourself: My child is not giving me a hard time, they’re having a hard time. By calming your own body, you model regulation for your child. You’re also giving yourself the clarity to respond rather than react.
Practical ways to ground yourself in the moment:
- Inhale deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth.
- Place a hand over your heart or stomach to remind yourself to slow down.
- If safe to do so, close your eyes for one breath before engaging.
Even a few seconds of calm can shift the energy in the room and create space for a more effective response.
Step 2: Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings
Once you’ve centered yourself, turn your attention to your child. In the midst of a tantrum, kids want—above all else—to feel seen and understood. Even if their demands are unreasonable, their emotions are real. Let your child know that you see them.
Use short, clear phrases to reflect back what you notice:
- “I can see how angry you are.”
- “You’re really sad about this.”
- “This is so frustrating for you.”
These statements don’t mean you agree with their behavior, but they show your child that their inner experience matters. When children feel understood, the intensity of their emotions often decreases.
Keep it brief. Avoid long explanations like: “I know you’re upset, but you have to understand that we can’t always get what we want, and when you cry this loud, it makes me feel stressed.” In a dysregulated state, your child’s brain isn’t able to process long speeches. They’ll only catch a few words—and usually not the ones you want them to.
Step 3: Briefly Explain the Limit
Boundaries are essential. While acknowledging feelings, it’s equally important to communicate that some behaviors or requests are not okay. The keyword here is briefly.
Examples of clear, short limit-setting:
- “Jumping on the couch is dangerous.”
- “You already had your cookies for today.”
- “We can’t buy that toy right now.”
Keep your tone firm but calm, not punitive. Remember, you’re the anchor in the storm. Your role is to remind your child of the boundary without overwhelming them with extra words. Too much explanation can fuel more frustration, as children in distress don’t yet have the capacity to follow logic.
Think of this step as giving them a signpost: Here’s the line. I see your feelings, and this limit still holds.
Step 4: Distract and Redirect
Sometimes, after naming the feelings and setting the limit, your child may still be teetering on the edge of full meltdown. That’s when redirection becomes a powerful tool. You need to be quick and creative at this point.
Children’s attention spans are naturally short. A well-timed distraction can shift their focus and de-escalate the tantrum before it fully takes hold.
Examples of creative redirection:
- “The plants need watering—can you spray them with this water bottle?”
- “I need some help with breakfast. Can you crack the eggs for me?”
- “Did you see the new puzzles I bought? Pick one for us to start.”
This step isn’t about tricking your child. It’s about offering them a constructive outlet for their energy and attention. Sometimes, giving them a purposeful task or engaging their curiosity is enough to reset the moment.
Step 5: Ignore the Behavior (When Needed)
What if redirection doesn’t work? What if the tantrum goes full force anyway? This is when ignoring—not your child, but the unhelpful behavior—comes in.
Ignoring doesn’t mean turning cold or abandoning your child. It means refusing to reinforce a tantrum with extra attention or negotiation. Many children, even in the middle of crying, will glance at their parents to check if they’re being watched. That momentary pause shows they’re looking for a reaction.
Instead of engaging, calmly step aside. You might say:
- “Let it out. Come find me when you’re done.”
You’re communicating two messages at once:
- It’s okay to have big feelings.
- Screaming or flailing won’t change the boundary.
Offer closeness when appropriate: “Do you need a hug?” The hug should be soft and soothing, not rigid or forced. If you are calm, your child can borrow your calm through physical closeness. If you’re still tense, wait before offering touch so that you’re not meeting their storm with your own.
Why Consistency Matters
Children are remarkably observant. They quickly learn how long and how loudly they need to cry to get what they want. The moment you give in, even once, you reinforce the idea that tantrums “work.”
This doesn’t mean you should be cold or unyielding. It means holding your boundary with compassion and consistency. If you say no to cookies, the answer stays no—even if the tantrum lasts two minutes or two hours.
Over time, your child learns:
- Tantrums don’t change boundaries.
- Emotions can be expressed and then released.
- Calming down leads to reconnection, not punishment.
After the Tantrum: Repair and Reconnect
When the storm has passed and your child seeks you out, this is your golden opportunity for repair. Be gentle. Praise them for calming down. Offer a soft hug, and move into the next activity together.
This teaches your child an essential lesson:
Big feelings are not dangerous. They don’t break the bond between us. And when you calm your body, we reconnect.
By consistently handling tantrums in this way, you not only reduce the frequency of meltdowns—you also equip your child with the emotional tools they’ll use for a lifetime.
Final Thoughts From a Parenting Specialist
If tantrums feel like they take everything out of you, you’re not alone. Parenting is one of the most challenging—and important—roles you’ll ever take on. Each meltdown is not a sign that you’re failing, but rather an opportunity to practice patience, consistency, and connection. It is also a time to teach your child skills that they will take out into the world with them and use for the rest of their life.
Remember the five steps:
- Stay calm—regulate yourself first.
- Acknowledge your child’s feelings—help them feel seen.
- Briefly explain the limit—set boundaries with clarity.
- Distract and redirect—offer a new focus or activity.
- Ignore the behavior when needed—don’t reinforce tantrums.
And finally, after the tears have dried, always repair and reconnect. Show your child that love is steady, even when emotions run high.
Parenting isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress, presence, and patience. With time, your consistency will help your child learn resilience and self-regulation. And you’ll build a stronger, more connected relationship in the process.
Managing a Tantrum is not about punishing or discipling your child in that moment. It’s about the adults in charge staying clam and in control of themselves so the child feels safe in letting those big feelings out knowing that they are loved and cared for while they are learning how to appropriately manage their very big feelings.
We can teach you how to do this!
Want to begin therapy and have a safe space to learn how to deal with your child’s tantrums?
Lesley Lasker, LMFT and the therapists at Lasker and Associates can help you and all of the parenting partners in your child’s life manage Tantrums in a calm, loving and firm way that will lead to a happier, healthier world for your child and your entire family
Learn more about our Parenting Therapy Services and visit www.Laskerandassociates.com to schedule your free phone consultation. Together, we can work toward a parenting style that allows you to feel in control and confident while managing your child’s Tantrums and other difficult childhood behaviors.
About the Author
Lesley Lasker, LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Parenting Specialist based in Los Angeles. With years of experience supporting parents, couples, and families, Lesley is passionate about helping people strengthen relationships, navigate parenting challenges, and build healthy communication at home. As both a therapist and a mother of three adult children, she blends professional expertise with real-life understanding to guide parents toward raising resilient, well-balanced kids while also nurturing their emotional well-being.